Regret
by LaraHawke
Summary: Zevran is haunted by the dying look on Evanna Cousland's face when he betrayed her and returned to the Crows. Little did he know that Fate would play another cruel joke on his conscience and his heart.
1. Chapter 1

"And so here is the mighty Grey Warden, at long last! The Crows send their greetings, once again."

Evanna was greeted by a bronze-skinned man clad in Crow armour, grinning at her widely. Her hands immediately went to the hilt of her dagger, sneering. "And where is Zevran?" The man spoke again, his eyes searching for the elf. "I don't see him with you. How very disappointing." He said in a mocking tone.  
_Two can play at this game, _she thinks. She immediately straightens up, cocks her head to the side, and asks innocently. "Zevran? Zevran who?" She asks, furrowing her brows. The man scoffs at her and says, "Don't bother." He waves a hand at her. "I know very well that he travels with you." She gulps silently as her brows furrow further, pursing her lips. She's going to have to kill this man, won't she?

"Here I am, Taliesen." Zevran appears from behind her, and suddenly she feels relieved that she isn't alone anymore. She turns to him and smiles, only to be greeted by a cold stare from him. He cocks his head to the side, frowning. "Tell me, were you sent? Or did you volunteer for the job?" he sarcastically asks Taliesen. "Oh ho! And he makes an appearance!" Taliesen mocks him. "I volunteered, of course. When I heard that the great Zevran was had gone rogue, I simply had to see it for myself." Zevran replies to him with an amused look on his face. "Is that so? Well… Here I am, in the flesh." "You can return with me, Zevran. I know why you did this, and I don't blame you. " Taliesen started. Evanna smirked to herself. _Oh, this bastard doesn't know anything. He's mine, now. He won't betray me. _"Come back and we'll make up a story. Anyone can make a mistake." Zevran's expression does not change, which she takes as a good sign. She felt braver now that he's here. She took a deep breath, held her head up high, and smirked at Taliesen. "Of course, I'd need to be dead, first." She says sarcastically with a triumphant grin on her face.

"That's true. You would need to be dead."

She was caught off guard by the tone of his voice. "Zev?" She looked at him, eyes painted with confusion. She had to swallow down the lump that formed on her throat when she saw his face. He was serious about it. "Ha! Now there's the Zevran that I remember!" Taliesen laughed. _No, no, no. Zevran please, tell me this is just a joke… _"Zevran, was this about last night? Look, I'm sorry-" "I am no fool, old friend. You know me too well." He told the other man, completely disregarding her. Her heart suddenly seemed to stop beating as she slowly backed away from both of them. "I'm glad it was you, Taliesen. This makes things… easier." Zevran said, his voice dropping to almost a low growl. "As for you, Grey Warden… Let's see if the second time is the charm, hmm?" He then gave her a menacing smile, and she felt her heart drop to her stomach. "Zevran, please…" She looked into his eyes, pleading, searching for the loving man she has been with for many months, but she found nothing but a bloodthirsty assassin, blade poised and ready to strike her down if she fought back.

But she didn't. She couldn't find the strength to do so. Once she felt her back hit the wall, she just closed her eyes and let the tears escape.

* * *

She wakes up, panting and sweating heavily, tears pouring down her cheeks. It's been two years, yet she remembers it as if it were yesterday. Her heart twinges in pain as she recalls how painful it was when he slid the blade through her stomach without remorse. His betrayal hurt more than the physical pain the blade caused. To think that she offered her whole being to a man who would kill her without even a second thought…

She tried to shake off the hurt she was feeling and furiously wiped her tears away. She then heard a gentle knock on her door. "Warden?" she recognized Seneschal Varel's voice. She immediately cleared her throat and tried not to sound as pathetic as much as she can. "Please come in, Varel." Evanna got up and pretended to fix her bed, just to face away from him. Nobody needed to see her tearing up again. "The banquet will be starting in a few hours now, m'lady. You would want to get ready." Varel politely said. "Of course. Thank you for reminding me, Varel." She said, still not facing him. "I could call one of the servants to fix your bed, m'lady. You don't have to do that-" "No. No, I'm fine. Please." She replied hastily, which had taken the Seneschal aback. "I'm sorry, m'lady. I shall take my leave." Once she heard the door shut, she plopped down to her bed and held her face in her hands.

Maker, she was a mess, wasn't she?

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

Hey, guys! This is my first DA story, so please be gentle and leave a review! :) 


	2. Chapter 2

"All set, m'lady." A female servant told Evanna as she finished curling the Warden's long, reddish-brown hair. Evanna curtly nodded and smiled at her as thanks and dismissed her, then stared at herself on the mirror for a long time. Her eyes were rimmed with dark eyeliner, making her golden eyes stand out more. Her lips were a dark purplish colour, matching the gown she was wearing for the banquet.

"Well, I look just like I lost a lot of blood tonight, don't I?" she murmured to herself as she stood up and wore her boots underneath the gown. As she went out of her room, she saw Nathaniel waiting for her just outside the door.

"A pleasant evening to you, Warden-Commander." He politely greeted her, a smile adorning his handsome face, although it was mostly obscured by his mask.

_Maker's breath…_ She offered him a smile of her own and put on her own mask as he held his hand out for her to take. "Shall we, m'lady Cousland?" He asked, his voice rumbling deep in his throat, sending shivers down her spine. She gladly intertwined her hands with his, her smile growing even bigger as they descended the stairs together for the whole crowd to see.

* * *

Zevran managed to sneak past the guards by posing as one of the guests for tonight's banquet. Everyone in Amaranthine was invited anyway, no? He smirked as he made his way inside, looking around for his victim.

"I assure you, Zevran. Once you see your target, you'll know. It'll be an easy job." Taliesen had told him.

_Would it be one of my- her, former companions, then?_ He thought. As he walked among the crowd, he couldn't help but notice that a lot of women, and men, had their eyes on him. He only smirked even wider but as he turned his head towards where all seemed to look, his heart nearly dropped.

Even underneath that mask, he knew it was her. His heartbeat seemed to match the fall of her feet with each step she takes, and suddenly he's breathless. It is her. Flashbacks of their memories before replayed in his head, making him weak. He still remembers everything: the way her lips curve when she smiles, or how her hips sway gracefully when she walks. He remembers every inch of her body, for he once kissed it and worshipped it like she was his lifeline. And yet he all too willingly severed it and broke her heart._ All because he was a coward._

"Evanna..." He found himself whispering under his breath, her name rolling off his tongue perfectly.

His heart squeezed in pain as he remembers how she pleaded for her life, how she whispered the words to him. Her eyes were shut, so she never saw how his hands shook as he held the dagger she gave him, or how he silently hoped that she would fight back because if she did, then he'll gladly lose to her and die by her own hand. Yet he knew she won't. She loved him too much, and that was the greatest mistake she's ever done. Now, he has to deal with the consequences and finish what he's started.

* * *

Being raised as a nobleman's daughter will get you acquainted with all the socializing you'll have to deal with during banquets, but that doesn't mean that you'll grow to like it. Evanna swore her cheeks felt numb from smiling at almost every guest in this banquet.

"Are you alright?" Nathaniel whispered in her ear, her arm still hooked on his. She leaned a bit towards him and smiled. "I'm just a bit tired, but I'll be fine." She said. She scanned her eyes across the crowd, and what she saw suddenly left her feeling weary and light headed. A familiar figure with blonde hair, staring at her from across the room. Then her attention was caught by a group of men waving their hands at them. She looked up to Nathaniel, who gave her a smile and said "Antoinne and the others. They're my friends from Antiva and Orlais. Do you want to meet them? "

"No, thank you. I've had enough meet-and-greets for tonight. I think I'll return to my quarters." She politely declined him and gave him a quick peck to the cheek before heading to her quarters.

* * *

There were lots of pretty women here in Amaranthine, sure, but his eyes only remained on one woman. Her eyes looked very stunning, her heavy eyeliner making her golden eyes look cat-like. The colour of her lips made her alabaster skin even more stunning. She looked very happy with this Nathaniel Howe, and the smile that graced her features made her even more beautiful. He can't look away, even when he felt her eyes find his. His heart seemed to stop as she stared, but quickly looked away and returned her gaze to the man beside her.

Maker, it hurts to see her with another man.

He's brought this onto himself, he knows that, but that can't and won't stop him from getting hurt. He knows that she deserves happiness, she's been through too much and he can't afford to be selfish, but that doesn't stop him from thinking: _What if I never left her? Would I have been able to make her smile as much as that bastard does?_ He knows that she's deeply in love with that man, for he knows that look that she gives because she once looked at him the same way, but that doesn't stop him from wishing that it was him at her side, not this Howe bastard.

"Is that Arl Rendon Howe's son? Why is the Arlessa with him?" He heard a group of women gossiping behind him.

"But wasn't Arl Howe responsible for the late Teyrna and Teyrn Cousland's murder? Nathaniel shouldn't even be here."

"Shameful. To think that she would set her family's murder aside for petty attraction. There are more young and eligible noblemen here in Amaranthine, such as my son! Surely he'll be a perfect match for the Arlessa!" One of the women exclaimed

"Oh, my son would be a better choice than your son, Margarette. You think the Arlessa would choose your gambling drunkard son over a dignified and well-mannered nobleman like my son? I think not."

Zevran chose to walk away, irritated by the endless gawking of those pompous noblewomen who only seek more power._ Your sons will never be good enough for a woman like her, he thought. Nobody will ever be good enough. Not even Nathaniel, or Alistair, or even I._ With his brows furrowed together in disgust, he made his way into the servant's quarters, hoping that nobody would notice the disappearance of a single guest.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

Chapter three will be uploaded tomorrow! Hopefully it's the last, and I do also hope that you enjoy the update. :)


	3. Chapter 3

The banquet was over, and it was time for the servants to clean up whatever mess the guests have made during the party. Zevran easily blended in with most of the servants now that he's changed clothes, since most of the servants were elven. "Hey! You there!" The harsh voice of an old woman echoed across the room. Of course, he didn't look and kept on 'sweeping the floors', until the old hag decided to hit his shoulder with a stick.

"Respond when you are called, elf." She sneered. It had taken a huge amount of self-control to not sneer back at the woman. "Take these to the Arlessa's quarters." She ordered as she handed him a bunch of neatly folded clothes. He merely bowed his head and did as he was asked. 

* * *

_At least that hag was good for something. _He thought as he made his way towards her quarters. It was easy to find, actually. It had the most ornate door among all the other rooms.

He didn't bother to knock when he reached her quarters. He simply slipped inside quietly and shut the door behind him, seeing that she was asleep. Her hair was all over her pillow and her face, yet she still looked as glorious as ever. He placed the pile of clothes on top of her dresser and walked slowly towards her, and with each step he took, his heart pounded in his chest. She looked so vulnerable, so fragile… and yet he knew she was none of those things. She was his definition of perfection, all of his dreams put together and personified. And he got too scared to hurt her that he did the exact same thing he was trying to protect her from.

Slowly, he knelt beside her, his heart clenching tightly, making it difficult for him to breathe. _I'm so sorry, cara mia. Non ho mai avuto intenzione di farti del male._ He breathed out quietly and reached a hand to cup her face, and suddenly he found himself on the ground, a dagger angled on his throat.

"Z-Zevran…?!" She said through gritted teeth, sneering at him and pressing the dagger further.

"Evanna… p-please…"

The Warden-Commander then raised her blade to stab his heart, but he quickly pushed her off and got up to his feet, immediately holding his hands in front to protect himself. Evanna advanced onto him, furiously slashing and stabbing at his face and stomach, all of which he had difficulty dodging most of the time. They danced around each other for a long time, Evanna's anger increasingly fuelled by each memory that flashes through her mind with each slash or stab that she makes.

* * *

_"Someday, you'll regret teaching me this technique of yours, Zevran."_

_"Is that so? Why do you think so, carissima?" He asked as he lunged at her again, watching her barely dodge._

_"Because one day, I'll be better than you. Just watch." She smirked triumphantly, although it was wiped off when she was caught off guard by Zevran, who had pinned her on the ground with her arms over her head._

_"I'd like to see you try, bambina."_

_Before she could even give a witty remark, his lips found hers in a deep kiss, his tongue teasing her lower lip, begging for entrance .Slowly, he let go of her arms and ran his hands through her hair, pulling her up with him, deepening the kiss. She felt his hands travel down to the small of her back, his touch setting her skin ablaze. She smirked against his lips and took advantage of their situation, twisting her body and pushing him down, pinning him to the ground. She then laughed at his surprised expression._

_"Never let your enemy distract you, si?" She mocked his accent, which only made him want to kiss her more._

* * *

"Evanna, stop… Please, I'm not here to-"

_Never let your enemy distract you,_ his words echoed inside her head as she cut him off with a knife flying towards him. She tried to clear her head and focus on her attacks, but before she even realized, tears were streaming down her face. _He only said my name, why am I crying? Why are my knees going weak, why am I shaking? _She hated him for making her feel like this, but she hated herself more for allowing him to make her feel like this, too.

Zevran took advantage of this and spun her around, locking her in his arms and throwing her weapon away. "Please, Evanna…" He breathed out her name again, and she felt her knees fail her.

"No, no! L-let me go, please…" She almost choked on the words as she struggled against him. It's not right. Why would she want to be in the arms of the man who once killed her?

Zevran didn't want to let go of her, but he had to. _That bastard Taliesen knew about this, didn't he…_

Evanna quickly pushed him away and reached for her dagger, Zevran beat her to it and threw it farther away. "Evanna, can you please calm down-"

"You killed me!"

"And it is evident that I did not succeed in doing so, cara mia-"

"Stop calling me that!" she sneered.

"Fine, Evanna. But please, let me explain."

The Warden's eyes were filled with anger and disgust for him, and it broke his heart to see her like that. He's changed her ever since that day, but so did she. When he killed her, his heart died with her. So did everything that mattered to him. He died with her. The man in front of her now was but a husk of the man she knew two years ago.

"Why would I let you explain? You tried to fucking murder me-"

"I did that for your sake, but I was wrong-"

"-and now you came back to finish it!"

"-because I was a fucking coward!"

They both stopped talking, both of them sitting on the floor and glaring daggers at each other. "Evanna, I understand that you resent me for what I did in the past, but I did not come to harm you. I came here to tell you that someone contacted the Crows, and put a contract on your life." He managed to say in between breaths.

"And I'm supposed to believe you?" She replied, scoffing and laughing at him. "Funny. Weren't you the one who stabbed me before? Letting me die the second time around shouldn't be too hard for you, shouldn't it?" she spat at him.

"Not when I have to do it again! I'm the one they sent after you, Warden. I don't want to do this. I can't do this. Not again."

"You've done it once. What's stopping you?" she snorted. 

He paused and sucked in a breath for a moment, then spoke again. "I can't lose you again, Evanna."

Her eyes widened and her tongue seemed to get stuck in her mouth. Her heartbeat became erratic, and she could've sworn that he could hear her heart pounding in her chest. It's pathetic how she easily melts into his arms and how she easily falls for his words even if he once took a blade to her stomach. _Am I that masochistic?  
_  
"You've lost me long ago, Zevran. It's too late now." She replied, her voice above a whisper.

The pain he felt right now was nothing compared to the torture the Crows called 'training'. Then flashbacks of how she pleaded came to him again, and suddenly he wanted to throw up. He's disgusting. He's selfish. He regrets everything, but he doesn't have a choice, does he? All this time, he's only brought her pain. She deserved to be happy. She deserved a life without him.

"You're right. I lost you already. I was just not ready to accept it." He whispered back, then got up to his feet and walked past her.

"I cannot convince you to believe me, _bella mia, _and I understand why. I will keep them away from you as much as I can, but please... Be careful."

His whole being felt heavier as he got to her door, for he knows that this will be the last time he can see her up close. Without sparing another glance, he left her room silently. 

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

Aaaand it is done! I hope you liked the latest and last update. Until my next fic. Ciao~

Translation: (I used google translate. pardon me.)

**Non ho mai avuto intenzione di farti del male= I never meant to hurt you.**


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